We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
