If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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