I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
