Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
