Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
