you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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