I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
