im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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