I wish I could punch you in the face.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
