apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
