i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just invented taco cereal.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
PANTIES FOUND
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