remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
