hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
