I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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