he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize