note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
