ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize