After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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