I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
