he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
