these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
