my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
