I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
