what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
