Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
