remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i came on her dog
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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