don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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