awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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