I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
bring money and cleavage
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
The uberlube is also flammable
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
