I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Your cock deserves a montage
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
