Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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