My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
