...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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