i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
