so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
