Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
