kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
