I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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