fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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