no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
