Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
