The maid of honor just puked.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
