The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
