apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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