I want you more than these girls want KFC
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
