Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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