Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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