It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
