Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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