If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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