White coat. Heels.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize