i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
