i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
