for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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