i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
