I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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