They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
