we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
