You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
