***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
