I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
