He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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