You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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