If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
