I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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