it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
