4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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