the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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