I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
