do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
God, I missed his penis.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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